Health Anxiety + Pending Surgery

Upcoming knee surgery is not something I can say I'm looking forward to. It's feeling more and more real the closer it gets. Procedure 1/2 (both knees are fucked).

The faulty knee gene I had the pleasure of inheriting from my dad's side- it's worked its way through half his family. Well, at least I'm not alone, I guess.

I knew I would need knee surgery eventually, but I didn't think it would happen at 23, more like 60- it wasn't until dislocating it twice within six weeks that pushed it over the edge (after six and a half years without). It's been 10 years, culminating six dislocations; the first four causing mal-tracking and grinding, but the last two with the added joy of popping (it's as grim as it sounds). So... you can see how surgery is necessary.

To link it to a likeness, it feels like a squeaky door and popping bubble wrap. The dislocation like pushing a tennis ball through a tight space. It's a strange feeling to say the least.

MRIs in two days will tell me whether it will be the ligament or bone that will need re-constructing (fingers crossed for ligament- it's a smaller procedure with a quicker recovery time).

The thought of the whole surgery process tends to pop up in my mind when I'm trying to sleep or focus on something (really convenient, I know). What will it entail? How will it go? What will it feel like to 'go under' and 'come to,'- it's terrifying. Not to mention my emetophobia will come to play. Then there's the recovery; when I've dislocated my knee in the past I couldn't walk properly, sit comfortably, and just do almost anything without difficulty and pain. Although, I have been able to adapt more in the recent occasions, it's still a pain in the ass.

If you haven't guessed already, it's my first surgery.

There are also the 'what ifs':

What if I don't wake up? Or wake up mid-surgery?

What if I can't dance again, or even walk properly?

How will I be able to pay rent without working?

Ah, the joys of a natural overthinker.

HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO SLEEP ON MY BACK ONLY?

I know the surgery will be successful, I know it will improve my life ten-fold (I can't even bend it fully) but doubt still creeps in the back of my mind.

I can't wait to be able to travel without worry, go on long walks, dance without fear and not need to strap it up constantly.

Another positive is we have free Universal Parks tickets the next time we go to Orlando, as the most recent time it happened when one of their escalators broke- I think I would've passed out if it had been an escalator in the Universal in LA (that shit is steep- if you know, you know).

It will all be worth it, and I will keep reminding myself that.

P.S. If anyone reading this has had surgery, or been put under, before, what was it like?

<3 AO <3